Friday, May 06, 2005

15 Things I Learned in South Beach Miami

The Things I Learned in South Beach, Miami

1. No where in South Beach are you going to be able to get an actual Mojito, so don’t bother looking.

2. If a club promoter makes their club sound too good to be true: Expect worse case scenario after you give in and enter.

3. Hard Rock Café is not worth risking your life to get to.

4. The Asian Drag Queen named Pussina is going to grab and/or sniff your crotch no matter what your gender is or where you come from.

5. Never leave an expensive pair of Capri pants out in the open when leaving your room because they WILL disappear forever.

6. Never accuse the cleaning ladies of your hotel of stealing a pair of Capri pants. They don’t speak English anyway.

7. The $8.00 Cuban Cigars they sell on the street are in fact, not Cuban cigars.

8. If you’re a recently released convict and plan on killing the family of the man you killed, Miami beach is a great start to go and get your bearings (as told to me by homeless man)

9. Men in prison would make me grow my hair long and have me wear lipstick – only if in fact they have not yet snapped my neck during dinner (as told to me by said homeless man)

10. Giving a homeless crazy ex-convict killer a $5.00 bill will ensure your life and the lives of your traveling companions.

11. If you want to get a ‘contact high’ just stand outside the Versace mansion between the hours of 11pm and 2am.

12. No matter how much you plead and beg with the security of Star Island, he/she will not give you a map which says which celebrity lives where.

13. Tuesday’s nights at Club Twist, the male dancers go naked.

14. If you’re invited to a party where Trick Daddy and Trina are going to be, you’re not. Only girls are.

15. Never, ever, under any circumstances let Erica Mentone put sunblock on you.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I must say Josh, I have been waiting for days for you to put that up. Thanks for the good laugh and memories :O)

Kate said...

some of those things, i couldve told ya... especially the parts about erica putting sunscreen on you. also, were you the owner of the expensive Capri pants, cuz that would explain the drag queen sniffing your crotch