Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Let the countdowns begin...

8 student days left until I can wave goodbye. Then I will lie and tell them that I've LOVED having them all in my class this year and I will miss them all so much...except of course the 3 who are being retained. But I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure they're not in MY class next year!

Monday, May 30, 2005

UGH

Big spiders. Antsy fucking dogs. No hot water. Permanently wet clothes.

14 DAYS

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Some recent good (clean?) fun at House Posted by Hello

Spring has sprung, a.k.a. Welcome to the Jungle

Well, spring/summer has sprung here at House. This means all varietals of flowers are in bloom, jasmine and roses and the really high weeds that have taken over the yard. As if it were easy trying to get myself to walk the dogs before, now I find myself traipsing all over high grasses and thinking that now, not having health insurance, is no time to get Lyme's disease.

Along with the "splendor" of summer at House comes critters. Birds are tweet-tweeting everywhere (until Fred gets hold of them) and deer are frolicking in the yard. Unfortunately, bees the size of a small fawn are standing guard at the door, so I've been going in through the garage to avoid them instead of running screaming, knowing these bees can catch me if they want to. Even as I type, there is a hornet with a long stinger trapped between my skylight and my screen, fighting to get inside and eat me.

Today, while walking the dogs through the woods/my yard, I had just dodged a couple bees. Ducked down from some low-flying bird in Alfred Hitchcock movie style. Navigated my way through the less-tall grass.
Went to step on a garden hose and IT WRIGGLED.
This was no garden hose. This was a garden snake, and a pretty long one at that. By now, I'm panting with all this activity and scream like a banshee as the snake slithers under a bush. The dogs, my alarms and my protectors, just sat there and looked at me.

Have I mentioned there is no hot water because I've apparently run out of propane ("300 bloody dollars to fill that tank," I've been told), and my third floor room with all skylights is currently 85 degrees?

I believe today is the appropriate time to start the countdown till Miss M gets home, meaning the countdown till I move out an hour before her plane arrives.

15 days.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

NYC Adventure...

Yesterday I crossed something off of my "Things to do before I die" list. I went to Good Morning America's Summer Concert in the Park. Allow me to recount the day for you...

In true 20 Narry spontinaity, my sister and I decided late Thursday night to get up at 2:00 in the morning on Friday and drive up to New York to see Rascal Flatts. So 2:00 rolls around and I'm lying in bed thinking, if Rascal Flatts is playing on the radio when my alarm goes off, it's fate, we're supposed to go. Well, they weren't, but we went anyway.

We left the house at 2:45, and were in the New York vicinity by 4:30, when disaster struck. As we are about to enter Lincoln Tunnel, my dashboard lights went out. I had no gages, lights, anything. I freak out, but can't stop in a tunnel. So I keep driving. We get out of the tunnel and make it to 40th and 7th Ave when the car dies...in traffic. Luckily it was only 4:45, and traffic wasn't that bad, but in classic NYC fashion, we got dirty looks, words, and fingers from most of the people who passed. I freak out, don't have my AAA card so I call my mom for my info. I'm on the phone with my mom, when suddenly some guy comes up and helps my sister push us as far off the road as possible. So AAA shows up 40 minutes later, and as coincidence would have it, they have a shop about 4 blocks away. The tow guy says it's probably the alternator, and I'm thinking, great, can that be fixed in a day and at what cost? At this point I figure there is no way we're going to make it to the concert becasue you're supposed to be in the park by 6.

So we go to the shop, give them the info and RUN the 8 or so blocks up to Bryant Park, were we end up in line to get in with about 75 people in front of us. We're pretty excited because we're actually going to get in, even though it's after 6 and we snake our way into the park and end up within like 10 people of the stage. Kelly looks around and really takes in where we are and what we're doing and sings to me "God bless the broken car that lead me straight to Rascal Flatts!" (Most of you probably don't get the joke since you don't know the song, bear with me.) So we yell and cheer with the crowd as they do the morning weather and sound checks and whatnot, and suddenly my sister's phone rings and it's my aunt.

"Kelly? Where are you?" she asks
"Ummm....New York."
"So that WAS you and Betsy I saw on tv! Caitlin and I will be in New York this afternoon!"

So we're kind of excited because we were seen on TV and we're going to be able to meet up with my aunt and cousin later since we can't leave the city anyway. We made friends with people in the audience, got some great pictures of Rascal Flatts with Charlie Gibson, saw an INCREDIBLE concert, and then spent the rest of the morning walking around Times Square. We shopped, saw the naked cowboy, played in Toys R Us, Kelly embarassed herself by getting caught trying to take a picture of a really hot cop we saw, then we had our choice of Starbucks to crash in for a while. After a good dose of caffine, we took the subway down to the museum where I used to work (cause we had to make the trip educational for my mom's conscience). By 4 my car was ready so we went to pick it up and pay the $600 it cost to put in a new alternator and battery.

By that time my aunt and cousin had arrived. We found them and parked the car. As I pull into the parking garage the attendant says to me, "Uh, miss? Do you know there is a scratch on your front bumper?" I just kind of looked at him and thought, buddy...if only you knew! We had a quick dinner cause they had a baseball game to catch, and by 6:15 were on our way home, and at that point were well beyond exhaustion. We're driving along, and suddenly Kelly cries out..."IT'S SNOWING!!!" In her stupor, she thought that the crazy fuzzies flying off a tree were snow, and was quite confused. We spent the next 3 1/2 hours driving home, and at one point concidered just driving right on past PA and to somewhere else exciting, but bypassed that when it started getting dark, and being in the car started getting old. But we came to the conclusion that if your car has to die and you're going to be stranded somewhere...New York City is probably the best place for it to happen!

Rascal Flatts with Charlie Posted by Hello

We made it! Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

"Hip? Hip Hop? Hip hop anonymous?"

Well, I'm one step closer to the person I should be after an Off the Curb class with Jackie Henderson.

My friend and coworker Anne suggested we take a hip-hop class tonight, only $8. We drove over to the studio, right at the top of the projects and next to a very low-class dive bar. A Jamaican in a caravan drove by and told us we were beautiful and asked if we were already married. Of course, we said yes we were.

Jackie Henderson is the choreographer for the Off the Curb dance troupe, and in case any of you haven't seen them, they are amazing. She's such a freakin natural, too... all she has to do is throw her arm up in the air and I'm like "oooooooh. das niiiice." She's so sweet and casual in her Rocawear sweatshirt and Timbs, I guess the way a hip-hop dance diva should be dressed. I have learned the Crip walk and several other dance moves that you have to see to believe. To give you a mental picture, at one point, she said, "Shake whatever's loosest as fast as you can. But make sure you can stop it!" I thought about how I left my sports bra at home by accident and decided I'd better just shake my ass in that case.

And, then at the end, Jackie Henderson told me I'm really good and I should think about getting involved in the Off the Curb Dance troupe! ... OK, no she didn't. But that would've been cool, huh?

Next time, I'll wear my Rocawear jeans and the yellow Brooklyn sweatshirt Brian gave me. I knew I got them for a reason.

Monday, May 23, 2005

F'n Blog.

I hate that it always takes me like 10 min to figure how to make a god damn post on this thing.

All I have to say in response to this weekend, if you think I had sluttly and mortifying stories to tell before, well, you aint heard nothing yet.

(For the record I blame it all on massive amounts of pot and three 007 drinks as prepared by the bartender that goes by 'Scooter'.)

I was going to write an es muy caliente version of this post but then remembered that virtually anyone can read this. I learned my lesson yesterday when at Katie Lucas's house we're hanging out, passing around a bowl and her cousin is there with us, a girl, looks about 16. She has a boyfriend named Mozart. Yes you read right. So whatever, I don't mind telling my X-rated stories to 16 year olds, they're old enough right? Yeah well, she looks older then she is. Gauged on her reaction I asked how old she was after I told the story (A very saucy tale if I do say so myself). She was definitely 12.

Oops.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

A trip down f lane...

As promised, when we graduated we all sat in the rain around the fire at 20 narry and the secret of f was revealed...but before that it caused quite a commotion on many college campuses and in many profiles/away messages. Some favorites:

pezgirl712: i am so glad that my f is causing such a commotion at uconn
johnfingbozzuto: it's insane, people are putting up posters offering rewards for the meaning of f, professors are switching their class discussions to theories about f. Ariel Sharon is threatening genocide against the palestinians already, apparently they claim they know the meaning of f...i'm walking in the middle of a war zone...i'm that compelled by the f

superkepeli83: here at JWU there has been talk about this mysterious "f" as well. The culinary folks are working to decifer it's recipe!!

MakeshiftHeart: i need to know what f is! you don't understand, the meaning of life is nothing compared to what f MIGHT be!?

pudgyowl: erica, i have been working up the courage to ask you this, but i was scared i'd be the victim of one of your away messages. what the hell is all this "f" talk about? i don't get it i've seen it in your away messages before and john told me how he tried forever to get it out of you is this just about your away message having an f in it or is it something more?

auto response from pezgirl712: apparently the f has caused a alphabet soup effect on aim profiles across the country!! what can i say...f is mmm mmm good!

pezgirl712: do you like f?
smarterchild: Yeah, I guess. Do you like f?
pezgirl712: of course i like f!!
smarterchild: That's interesting. You're not the first person to have said they like f.
pezgirl712: i like the way the f went down
smarterchild: Well, I don't think I like the way the f went down.
pezgirl712: your just jealous
smarterchild: What makes you think I'm jealous?
pezgirl712: don't hate f cause you just aint f
smarterchild: Well alright!

Curiosity…
LUVS2SMILE2: What is f?
ncastle77: what the f is f?
cashman81: yeah, even though you won’t tell me what it is, I still embrace it

Incredulity…
AnjieT929: who are you kidding, youre not going to tell me what f is
Dani411: that’s a cruel joke if you are teasing people w/ the meaning of F and not really going to tell them

Desperation!
Ericasue: im jealous of the f so I need to make up my own initially things
SLEDAWG440: hey don’t ffer that to anyone!
DjMouth1212: Kate I don’t wanna know what F is

i am a post-aholic this weekend

So at 22 I think this is the beginning of "always a brides maid never the bride" i am in my first 2 weddings this year.

Last night my best friend Vicki made me promise that if i get engaged any time soon that i wont set the date for before her wedding to which i responded "Can you please think before you speak"

I ran into 2 girls i graduated with last night 1 was there with her HUSBAND and the other was engaged. The married one told me that everyone we graduated with has kids and they keep bugging her about what is taking so long. Then i saw jamies (from miley freshman year...you know the anime one) ex boyfriend who told me they were engaged but now they dont speak and then i found myself smack in the middle of a bacchalorette (kate, i hope you like my spelling of that) party.

I really think that this living at home thing is not working out for me WHY THE HELL ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE STICKING AROUND NORTH BRANFORD AND GETTING MARRIED its like we live in the 50s when people were married off and having kids by the time they are 17! I really dont feel the need to get married right now I need to move to a city and be single...who wants to come?

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Also...

Also, I'd like to include a short edition of: "Why does erica only attract men she could never possibly date?"

1. Last week a ghetto looking older man (like 30 or so) was stopped next to me at a red light. He motioned for me to roll down my window, and so I did. Then he informed me that he would like to take me out to dinner. At which pont I rolled up the window and sped off.

2. The man at work that I have been told wants to date me....yeah, I found out yesterday that he is 36. YUCK!

Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie that Groupie Love (the prequil)

Staying on the topipc of groupie love, I just feelt the need to reminice about a simaler (until the twist ending) night of kates groupie love escapades.

So there we were at the Pelham seeing a band called Felix Brown: "359 degrees of music with just a little bit of room for you (Kate) to squeeze your (her) ass in." Courtney had told us all about the band and how spectacular they were.

After downing 6 or 7 of whatever the night's drink special was, we were all ready to dance to the ecclectic assortment of covers that were being played by Felix Brown. Kate was sporting her new "Flavor of the Week" tee-shirt from our most recent TJ Mac excursion. After the band finished singing my personal favorite, California Love, one of the guitar players started chanting something that I eventually decoded as "Flava of the week." We all of course realized that he was talking about the lettering spread accross Kate's chest and started cracking up. One of the other band members cleverly added "It's the FLAVA of the week and it's vanilla!"

Before we knew it, one at a time, my friends were pulled up on stage and encoraged to dance to the riff from California love and the band singing "shake it baby, shake it baby." After each person contributed, they recieved a smack on the ass and a logo sticker on their back pocket by one of the Felix Brown members.

After a few more songs of dancing and drinking, a band member later known as Kwesi, snached Kate's sweatshirt (which she was holding in front of her chest unconciously) and tossed it to the back of the stage declaring to us that it was "Blocking his inspiration."

And the rest, as they say, is history. Jenn picked us up from the bar and Kate informed her that 20 narry would be holding the after party for the band. I insisted that she stay awake. I spent the rest of the evening at the kitchen table with Jenn and DC (a band member) talking about everything from teaching to R. Kelly's tendency to piss on people. Kate and Kwesi reappeard the 2 band members left, and before they were out the door Jenn and I had devoured what was left of their pizza and bread sticks in record time. The last quote of the night was from Jenn, the most observent of the three of us: "What was that ring on Kwesi's left hand?"

...but that, my friends is another story for another time...

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Due to Jenn's scolding, now known as "Gimme Gimme Gimme that Groupie Love"

I had this feeling the whole time that something really, really cool was going to happen, but I couldn’t exactly come right out and say that. It would’ve sounded arrogant or teenybopperish, or both. But something very cool did in fact happen.

Angie and I parked the car in Boston to find it smoking and leaking coolant. Our night seemed off to a bumpy start, but we jumped on the T (God, I love public transportation) and headed down to the Roxy for The Roots concert. Next, we stood in the wrong line for a half hour to collect our guest list passes and thought we had missed my beloved Floetry. I was bummed.

The club was packed. Angie pointed out balcony and decided if it wasn’t VIP (or was), we should get up there. We grabbed a couple beers, $6 Bud Lights in a plastic bottle. We scouted out the locations, and we settled in behind a couple Hispanic girls at a spot that looked right over the stage. I befriended one by discussing just where that weed smoke might be coming from.

“Mmm, girl if you find it you come tell me,” she said, swinging her hips. “They betta be sharin!”
“I know, right?” I said, acting like I cared.

Angie pulled on my sleeve.

“Look over there, where that sign says the Roots,” she said, pointing at a black curtain pulled back just enough to see through. “I think that’s them, right there!”

With our free tickets, we had stumbled upon a place with the best view AND right next to backstage. Holy crap, we agreed, we were looking at The Roots only a few yards and a VIP rope away. Things were looking up.

Needless to say, The Roots were outta control when they took the stage. They haven’t become one of the most legendary hip-hop groups for nothing. And wouldn’t you know, they took a break and out came Floetry! Life, my friends, was good!

During their break, the band went up and hung out on the outside of their curtain, right in our plain view. We were baffled. There they were, drinking bottles of water and actually watching the other artists performing. The girl that sings their backup vocals was right next to me, talking to a couple people. I decided I had to meet her.

I strode right up to her and told her I thought she was amazing, the whole band was amazing, her EARRINGS WERE AMAZING! God, I said, you guys are just so friggin cool! She grinned and shook my hand and said it was nice to meet me. She introduced me to her cousins who were there for the show. I walked back over to Angie with the decision that The Roots were my new favorite people. Who knew it would get even more interesting from there? Well, I did, but we’re getting to that.

So, when I was finished gushing about how beautiful and well-accessorized the Roots girl was, I turned my attention to the band members hanging over the railing right next to me. I looked at the drummer, ?uestlove, probably the most recognizable of the group because of his fro. (Note: I didn’t know his name at the time, or anyone's in the band for that matter. I have since learned everything there is to know about The Roots.) I’m looking at ?uestlove, mumbling something about how OMG, they are just standing right there like they aren’t famous, and he nods his big old fro and waves at me, not a hint of a smile but why would a badass drummer need to smile? My jaw drops, and I shriek and hope nobody can hear.


I wave back, then I look directly down at my beer to contemplate how to react
when someone famous waves at you unprovoked.

Wow, I think. This is pretty friggin great. I met the girl with the huge earrings and the drummer waved to me. I start sending Ian frantic text messages so he knows everything he was missing. I look at the people around me, paying particular attention to the Asians standing behind me with big Asian grins and dancing to the music. I think they’re probably stoned, and I talk to Angie about how much I love Asians in general.

When I get the nerve to look back over at the band, I caught the eye of the guitarist, aka Captain Kirk. He was looking at me. I try to smile, but after three beers and two famous people I’m not too confident in my muscle contractions. He keeps looking, then he and ?uestlove turn and start whispering.

I start to think they are talking about me, then I mentally smack myself in the forehead and think, shut up you dumb fuck. They are The Roots. They’re not talking about you. But still, I’m secretly thinking it, as much as you can keep a secret from your own self.

They took the stage again, rallying for another amazing hour. The crowd had thinned out when Floetry came on, because I think people thought the Roots wouldn’t come back out. So we had a good size space of the balcony to ourselves and we danced. I couldn’t help but think that Captain Kirk was looking at me, but I tried to fight it. But it was like that time that we first went to see Felix Brown. I knew from probably the third song that something was eventually gonna go down, and when Kwesi took my coat and tossed it to the back of the stage I knew where he was going later. It was kind of like that, only they couldn’t reach my coat at a real concert and this was THE ROOTS!

The show ended, and I slowly finished my beer so Angie wouldn’t try to get me to leave.


As the band left the stage, Kirk the guitar maniac came up the stairs and walked
directly over to us.
“Hi,” he said, and stuck out his hand. “I’m Kirk.”

I shook it, acting like I knew he was Kirk, and introduced myself. Ditto to Angie.
He asked if we enjoyed the show, had we seen them before, et cetera. I don’t think either me or Angie remembers much of the conversation because we were waiting for the chance to scream.

“You know what?” Kirk said. “I want to introduce you to my bass player. Can you hang out here for one minute?”
Sure, we said, trying to act cool. We could wait. He walked off backstage, and me and Angie turned and looked at each other blankly for about 7 or 8 seconds.
“AAAAHHHH!” we screamed, startling the stoned Asians. “AAAAH! He just came over here and introduced himself to US!”

A minute or two later, Kirk came back with Hub, the bass player. Kirk made Angie’s night, looking down at her pink Barbie t-shirt. She had originally felt underdressed in jeans and flip flops, but her Barbie tee pulled her through yet another night like a champ.
“Can you tell me your name again? I keep wanting to call you Barbie,” he said, probably not realizing that being called Barbie by a member of the Roots was the best possible scenario she could imagine for that night. Meanwhile, I was trying to explain to Hub how I think they are the coolest, least pretentious band I have ever seen. He was rubbing my arm.

“I mean, I just think it’s so great that you guys just come out here and meet people after the show,” I said, rambling like I do when I am excited. He put his arm around me.
“Well, how else are we supposed to meet the cute girls?”
I internally shrieked again. Hub tells me how he’s gotta get on a tour bus again at 4 a.m., they’re going to Cleveland. Yea, it’s fun touring but sometimes he wishes he could get more sleep. OK, so maybe Hub (on the right) is the kind of guy that would hit on me anyway. He’s certainly not the hottest in the band. He’s a big, black, sorta mean looking dude. But very sweet, and famous, and hitting on me. They say something like they’ll be right back. Angie shrieks, “he thinks you’re cute!” I just open my mouth but by this point I’m too overwhelmed to shriek. I just shake my head, bewildered.
Kirk comes back to say goodbye, giving me a kiss on the cheek and Angie a kiss on the cheek AND a hug (hubba hubba, Kirk is kinda hot). At some point, Kirk tells me he likes my braids. I figure maybe that’s why this is all happening, Angie's Barbie tee and my big hoop earrings and a couple little braids here and there, very Julia Stiles in Save the Last Dance. Good accessory call, I think. Meanwhile, some girl had butted in with Hub, and Angie and I just stood there waiting, smiling like we were not freaking out, and sent frantic text messages but tried to appear nonchalant about it. Hub came back.

“You are just so cute,” he said. “My boy came over and told me I had to come over here and meet you cuz he knew I’d like you.”
I thought, “What! That shit’s crazy!” And then I said, "What! That shit's crazy!"
I was still dumbfounded by this whole affair.
“Nah,” he said, squeezing my arm. “You’re so cute! It’s not crazy.”

He went backstage, and me and Angie left.

At this point, I told Angie that I knew all along this was going to happen, but who could actually say that out loud? She understood.

I know that might seem like an anti-climactic ending, just going home. You all were probably thinking I went backstage and gave him something to remember, but God, that quickie shit is so two years ago for me. We just left, with the knowledge that very famous men picked us out of a huge crowd to say hello, and that we can feel pretty good about that.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Raise your hand

Who wants to go see the Roots with me Wednesday in Boston? Ian is SO dumped.

Now recruiting anyone with a love for hip hop and who also thinks they are black. I think me and Ian might have been the only ones that fit that though.

Act now or forever hold your peas.

Friday, May 13, 2005

May Day

It was May Day at Kuumba Academy today. I know some of you may be confused, thinking that May Day has come and gone, but we like to do things a little differently at our fine establishment. Top 10 highlights:

10. Watching the entire student body do the 1,2, Step
9. Watching Brian get dunked repeatedly in the dunk tank
8. The new cougar mascot running around...and the kindergarden teacher making out with it
7. not gonna make it to 1 in classic top 10 list fashion
6. walking in 30 minutes late bagel and coffee in hand
5. teachers run amok in the inflatable obstacle course...i've got scars
4. "Hey Mr. Evans, can I have one of those burnt hotdogs?"
"I KNEW you liked em big and black Ms. Dulik!"
3. being ripped off the wall on said obstacle course and instantly remembering that night senior year when i hurt my ankle the first time
2. reliving the week at happy hour with all the teachers afterwards
1. random memory: a top 10 classic for your enjoyment:

top ten list for friday night at 20 narragansett:
10. Cathy gets flung into the wall by brian after trying to pants him
9. Shaun finally showing up at 2 am after staying at work late
8. karaoke with dr brian p
7. the brian and stephanie show
6. the newly added foch "strip poker card"
5. OYOYOYOYOYOYOY-YAY DEEP IN THE JUNGLE IN THE LAND OF ADVENTURE....
4. "can i hit that?"
3. Matt Robadoux made me cry after i bit him
2. never have i ever made out with anyone with a tongue ring (the record stops and the room goes silent)
1. Steph: "never have i ever used my dildoe"
Kate: "well i sure as hell have never used your dildoe!"

a random insite into ericas life

i just ate a cheeseburger and an entire chocolate bunny left over from easter

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Ronald Must Die

I really needed a caramel sundae.
I was home alone the other night, and it was only like, 8 p.m. I thought I would pick up a caramel sundae from McDonalds, the only proper place, and try like hell to avoid eating it until i was home, warm in my bed. In one hand would be my caramel sundae. In the other would be the remote, clicking through the second season of Sex & The City before I have to return it to Netflix. Yes, I actually HAVE to return it, because I can't afford Netflix anymore.

Anyway, I got to McDonalds and entered the drive thru, since I always drive thru and since I was wearing pajama bottoms and no bra. I pulled up to the speaker and scanned the menu absent-mindedly, wondering if I wanted nuts. I noticed that the dessert section now had McFlurry's and hot fudge sundaes. No caramel. Hm.

"Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order please?"
"Oh, hi, can I get a caramel sundae please..."
I trailed off, trying to decide if i should ask for the extra caramel on the bottom, when to my surprise, she interjected.
"We don't have caramel."
"Um, excuse me?"
"We don't have caramel."
"Oh, crap. OK I'll have an oreo McFlurry."

I drove around in a panic. Maybe they just ran out. Maybe it's just this McDonalds. On the way over, I had been contemplating whether I should go to the McDonalds on West Main or East Main; maybe I had just made the wrong choice and I was being punished.
I pulled up to the disinterested looking Hispanic girl at the window and handed her my $2 and change, far more than I should be paying if I were getting my $1 caramel sundae.

"So," I said, trying to act composed. "Are you just out of caramel or do you not carry it anymore?"
"We don't have it anymore."

My face dropped. I looked at her sadly, and I told her quite honestly that this was the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life. She smiled politely.
I went home with my McFlurry and made a couple frantic phone calls, trying to find out if this was a McDonalds-wide phenomenon. Jamie confirmed that she in fact also had tried to get a caramel sundae a few weeks ago, to no avail. Oh my god.

So, yesterday afternoon I went to my Memere's house to bring her some oatmeal in the hospital. I went instinctively to the fridge for a Diet Pepsi, and there in a blaze of glory was a bottle of caramel on the door. I reached and swiftly pulled off the cap and squirted it right into my mouth-- about a full mouthful if truth be told. God, it's good. McDonalds be damned.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The state of my underwear...

Recently, my sister and I have been on a joint mission. Many of you may remember a day when my sister and I barely spoke to each other, those days are long gone. Since I moved out of the room we used to share, we have become cohorts in an effort we like to call "disgust our mother." It all started a few months ago when my sister confessed to me that she needed to go out and get some new thongs, but that meant she would have to start doing her own laundry because my mom thinks they're "skanky." Suddenly, we felt a bond unlike any we had ever felt before. We have spent many a weekend searching for great underwear, and also decided to do laundry together from then on. Our code for I need to wash my underwear is "I'm gonna wash my sheets." It's amazing how my sister has really filled the shoes that used to belong to Kate...she's an INCREDIBLE TJMaxx underwear shopper. Now our quest is to find the "skankiest" thongs, bikini cuts, boy shorts, etc, we can find. Cut to last night...I had thrown some laundry in the washer and dryer that I left there, and my mom was folding it. Naturally one of my thongs came out, and I have to say it was one of the rather tame ones. She held it up with a look of utter disgust and dismay and said, "You are such a SKANK!" I sat there and thought...if only you knew what ELSE was in my drawer! Then she pulled out my bra...

Random Memory:
Shopping with Kate in TJMaxx when she found Le Perle bra and panties, but they were in different colors. She spent a good 20 minutes trying to decide if she should get it despite the mismatch. She decided not to, and to this day everytime we walk into TJMaxx she says... maybe there will be more Le Perle?
To any of you who were faithful readers of the Mosaic in the good old days, i suggest today you check out the features section at www.newportmercury.com. A scintillating story about thefacebook.com, which unfortunately has my picture but i suggest if you're nearby, you pick up the print edition. THAT one has cute pics of Angie, Abby, Brian, Dave, etc. all over the page which makes sense. that picture of me... does not. But I love you guys and I wanted to share.

A blog about my traumatic Tuesday evening will follow later tonight! Nothing serious, except it is serious.

Another post!!!!

I decided to check that bitch who lives in 20 narry's blog today cause I had some free time! I was cracking up cause under her latest post, entitled "Fuck you Newport" she had tried to get a parking sticker from city hall and they wouldn't give her one cause she had to pay a $45 parking ticket for parking TOO CLOSE to the fire hydrant.....

....and you DO like parking too close to the fire hydrant

This also inspires some hysterical random memories:
1) approximately 7 am, Erica and I are leaving the house for student teaching.
Erica: Shit! Jenn! Someone tried to steal my hubcap last night!
Me: How can you tell?
Erica: Because one of the bolts is missing from the hubcap! They must have done that with pliers! Assholes!!!
Me: Erica... who would unscrew one of the bolts from a 1947 Cutlass with a pair of pliers and then run away?
Erica: Oh... um... I guess youre right.

2) Approximately 7 am, about a week later
Erica: Shit! Jenn! Where is my car!
Me: I dont know, look around Erica. You do this every day.
Erica: NO, I walked up and down the street like 5 times and it's definitely not here. I parked right in front of (the fire hydrant) the house!
Me: Erica, I dont know. I have to go.

Cut to 5 minutes later, Ericas on the phone with the police
Erica: My car got stolen! What do you MEAN I got towed! Where is it? $80! This is bullshit! I wasn't anywhere NEAR that friggin fire hydrant! (She starts kicking shit) FUCCCK!!! I don't have $80!!! Fuck Newport! Fuck fire hydrants!! Jenn!! I need a ride to the impound!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

yeay for personal day

"...and then the skies opened up and god said 'i hate you alfalfa'"

replace alfalfa with erica mentone and you've pretty much got a sum up of my existance right now. it seems as though im being teased by some sort of higher being. for example...

flashback to august roughly 3 days before school starts in new haven:
me: hello is dr williams available?
dr. williams: this is he.
me: hi dr williams, this is erica mentone im just calling because i have an job interview today at old saybrook and i think i am the only one up for the position but i did not want to accept a job offer until i spoke to you first.
dr. williams: oh, well you are hired i just have to figure out where to put you
me: oh wonderful thank you so much
click "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" jump jump jump "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" jump jump jump "I GOT A JOB" ...flash forward to now and i dont think i need to do much explaining

example # 2
i send a application packet to north branford and to my suprise they call me the next day to set up a screening interview. im all excited of course...then flash forward to today (the day of the interview) im breaking out from stress, i have a guilty concience about looking for a new job, im still all bent up about the way my kids acted yesterday, and i sound remarkably like kelly foster and cant think of anything intelegent to say because im so frustrated over the fact that i can hardly speak.
NB school principal concluding the interview: well i dont want you to get discoraged but there are over 200 applicants so we may call you back and we may not ....but make sure you apply to a whole bunch of other places because they have just as many applicants if not more and you better get going because everyone is hireing like this week.

i did fax out a whole bunch of application packets today but only because kate forced me to and i am juuuuuuust a little bit tired of the phrase "dont get discoraged but..." preceding everything that anyone has said to me lately

but on an positive note i am going out to get buffalo wings tonight, i have reading testing for the rest of the week (1 kid at a time), and in 43 days it will be summer vacation

and i DO like wings

A lil nibble

I have about 5 min cause I just finished some cover letters and there are a few things I would like to address!!

a) Erica good luck today (a.k.a. I know you have the day off bitch so you best be posting a long ass blog)

b) When are we going to get together again?

c) We need to plan some fun stuff to do this summer

d) Are the rest of you a holes besides Kate even ALIVE?!?!?!?

Ok. Now that my housecleaning issues are out of the way, I was telling one of my new coworkers about my job in Cranston the other day and the conversation went a little like this...

Co-worker (CW): So, you teach in Cranston huh? What do you teach?
Me: Yea. 2nd grade ESL.
CW: Hm. That must be interesting.
Me: OMG YES! I love it so much it is like the best thing ever.
CW: You couldn't pay me enough to do that.
Me: It's really not that bad. I love it, and most of the kids are bilingual and that's why they're in the program anyway.
CW: That's not what I mean.
Me: Oh... what do you mean then
CW: I just mean, like, being around all those Spanish people all the time, I, like, dont think I could do it.
Me (you know how I get about this): UHHH yeah well I like it.

(What I'm thinking, but I have to hold my tounge for $12/hr: You stupid bitch! You know what I can't stand? Racist whores like you and snotty little white rich kids from Portsmouth!!! Get over here so I can pistol-whip you with my glock!)

Just a little ditty I thought you would all enjoy. Have a nice day wherever you may roam. And call me if you want to hang out.

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Black Experience

Anyone who's driven with me on a Sunday knows where I keep my dial set. Sunday is the day of rest, the day of family dinners... The day to leave the island and jam in my car to 95.5 WBRU. Any other day, this is not my station of choice, but on Sunday, the alt-rock station becomes 360: The Black Experience.

In the morning, they take ya to church with gospel in case your hangover kept you from the chapel. Evenings ease into "The Gentle Touch" slow jams. The music is interspersed with shoutouts that usually sound like this: "To JoJo, from your wifey. I love and miss you. Keep ya head up and you'll get home soon." One can guess that all the radios in the ACI are tuned to 95.5 on Sundays, as inmates listen for a personal shoutout from their own wifey, a reason to keep their head up.

Most of the DJs are horrible. They stutter, they stumble and they generally have nothing interesting to say, but I manage to block out the 30 or 40 seconds at a time to have a radio experience blissfully high on hip-hop but low on G-Unit. It's one day to listen to the old-school, the classics, the hits that don't get the overblown play on Hot 106 and enjoy being in the car. Sunday was an especially good day because I had a lucky day.

They do contests constantly, and sometimes I get the sense I should try because anyone else who's listening probably has to wait in line and call collect from the payphone. They were talking about a Roots concert in Boston and said, "call up and be the 9th caller to win and see the Roots." So, I called. Beep Beep Beep. Over and over, maybe like 9 times. Ehh, i figured, I'll call ONE more time and if it doesn't get through, I'll stop. So I did... it didn't. I put the phone down.

Still, I called one more time, because I had this feeling that I would win. Nope. Busy again.

Put the phone back down. Ugh, one more time, I thought. Ring! Ring!

"Hello, this is 360"
"Hi, I'm calling about the concert tickets?"
"Do you like the Roots, cuz you're the 9th caller!"

I like 95.5 because they don't play your conversation when you win. So I said hells, yes, I like the Roots.

In a grand sweep of serendipity, my sisters in soul, Floetry, are the opening act. Yesssss. I'm bringing Ian, which is good because I'll be on the guest list and I'm afraid I'll have to say "I'm with the Black Experience." Ian won't mind though.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

For Miss M, whenever I decide to leave

Dear Miss M,

I will soon be leaving House for the following reasons.

There is no way I can feed two dogs and a cat, keep them fresh-smelling and happy for two and a half months with $40 and I need more money. Your cat kills something nearly every day—a couple weeks ago, it was the lower half of a dead grey thing and today I was greeted with blue jay leftovers—and your dogs think they’re supposed to shit in the house. At least they stopped humping each other now that they’re out of heat, but nonetheless, it must say somewhere in the health books scattered around the house that breathing in urine and feces every morning is not good for the lungs. I thought maybe if I gave them more freedom they’d stop shitting, but they tore up your couch cushions instead. Sorry. Luckily, you probably bought the couch for $30 at Building 19 anyway.

"House" is disgustingly messy, cluttered with items still wrapped that you bought from Job Lot, and infested with a wide variety of spiders. The fact that I notice another strange object taped to the wall each day, like tea bags or the plastic thing you pull off a half gallon of milk to open it, is disconcerting. I had to clear 35 bottles of vitamins from my foot-high fridge to make room which, by the way, freezes everything no matter which way I turn the dial. The fridge in “your” kitchen is full of really old eggs, vitamins and dead lobsters, and the lack of a dining room table anywhere in this two-kitchen house is confusing. Your clothes dryer doesn’t actually get a bra dry in less than two hours and I believe it’s wasting more energy than my refusal to “switch to solar power on sunny days.” You’ll find that out when the electric bill comes, though, and you can add that to the list of complaints including “ploughing the drive, bloody expensive, and $300 to fill the propane.” Again, I apologize for my excessive needs to be warm and actually leave the house this past winter. Too bad you couldn’t get your tractor out and plough the drive yourself; I would’ve paid you the $80 to see that.

Most importantly, your water turned my hair green, and I know you stole my quarters. Fucking Cheap Brit.

Most of your plants are dead, and I've taken the liberty to have your still-wrapped Patsy Cline CD that you bought from Wal-Mart many years ago. Jenn and I ate your frozen pizzas, the only bloody edible thing in your whole fridge, so you can take that off the $30 you owe me for baths and doggie perfume. Pay no attention to those photos snapped on your disposable camera, and if it smells like weed in here, it should.

I know Zup is supposed to be my emergency contact, but honestly, I think we called him enough that time after the bar when John Fing Bozzuto asked his answering machine if he had gotten his rabies shot. I’d call you myself, but I can’t find you since you faxed me your travel itinerary in French.

The dogs are taking a holiday up the street at K-9 Instincts. Cheers!

Lots of love,
Kennel Girl

Just keep posting, Just keep posting POOOOOOOSTING POOOOOOSTIING

Whoo! I know I explained to Kate why I haven't posted, but the rest of you assholes should also know. You know you're burned out when....

So I have been working a full time job, going to school full time and working part time at Sullivan school since September. You know, I was doing pretty well and actually surprised that I still managed to go out pretty much every weekend and have ALL KINDS OF FUN!!! Well, last week I got yet another job for the summer but they are so desperate that they wanted me to start now. So now I have 2 jobs and I still have school and I got observed twice last week AND I have to write a unit plan and a syllabus. AAAAND filling out like 75 more job applications for next year, and trying to get my friggin certification done.... Well, last week I hit a mental road block that was about 8 months coming, and Kate IMed me to yell at me cause I hadn't posted... to which I politely responded KATE!!! I CANT POST EVER AGAIN!!! I HAVE A HUGE PROJECT DUE TOMORROW AND I DIDNT EVEN START IT YET!! AND IM NOT GOING TO EITHER!! IM GOING TO PROCRASTINATE!!! FOREVER! (this is at approximately 10 pm). Well guess what assholes. I'm not doing either of them!!! And I'm never getting out of bed ever again! Or doing anything! Or going anywhere! Or posting! Or anything else anyone asks me to do ever again! AND THERES NO WAAAAAY YOURE GONNA MAKE ME!!!

..... does anyone know if there are mental health days for teachers in other states?

Saturday, May 07, 2005

bout time

bout time you bitches posted. have he/she contact me if necessary.

love,
kate

I'm alive

This is just a quick shout out to those of you who have been questioning my where abouts for the past week or so. I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm sorry I havn't returned your calls. Obviously I need to hear all about Newport/Nashville/Miami you bunch of traveling fools!

I will contact you soon, this message will self-destruct.

Friday, May 06, 2005

were all back from sea...

ok so......funny story.... the reason i havent posted in about two years is because i was kidnapped by mexicans and then (get this) i some how snuck away and called the cops....but they totally didnt believe me....something about me just having cold feet and bailing on my wedding ...of course i had no clue what they were talking about and eventually they just got tired of me talking their ears of and let me go

then once i got back from mexico i figured i might as well head back to roberto clemente and also create a post to tell the tale

15 Things I Learned in South Beach Miami

The Things I Learned in South Beach, Miami

1. No where in South Beach are you going to be able to get an actual Mojito, so don’t bother looking.

2. If a club promoter makes their club sound too good to be true: Expect worse case scenario after you give in and enter.

3. Hard Rock Café is not worth risking your life to get to.

4. The Asian Drag Queen named Pussina is going to grab and/or sniff your crotch no matter what your gender is or where you come from.

5. Never leave an expensive pair of Capri pants out in the open when leaving your room because they WILL disappear forever.

6. Never accuse the cleaning ladies of your hotel of stealing a pair of Capri pants. They don’t speak English anyway.

7. The $8.00 Cuban Cigars they sell on the street are in fact, not Cuban cigars.

8. If you’re a recently released convict and plan on killing the family of the man you killed, Miami beach is a great start to go and get your bearings (as told to me by homeless man)

9. Men in prison would make me grow my hair long and have me wear lipstick – only if in fact they have not yet snapped my neck during dinner (as told to me by said homeless man)

10. Giving a homeless crazy ex-convict killer a $5.00 bill will ensure your life and the lives of your traveling companions.

11. If you want to get a ‘contact high’ just stand outside the Versace mansion between the hours of 11pm and 2am.

12. No matter how much you plead and beg with the security of Star Island, he/she will not give you a map which says which celebrity lives where.

13. Tuesday’s nights at Club Twist, the male dancers go naked.

14. If you’re invited to a party where Trick Daddy and Trina are going to be, you’re not. Only girls are.

15. Never, ever, under any circumstances let Erica Mentone put sunblock on you.

Monday, May 02, 2005

You can quote me

I think we should devote an entire post to the theme "Best Quote of the Weekend." So if you remember any gems let them be known!

To start us off I'll submit this one (which I think I have verbatim) -

Kim: "Jenn, I'll make out with you even if I'm not drunk"

Thoughts on my way home

Yes, I made it home from Newport, safe and sound, should anyone be wondering. I actually drove home after getting into Minneapolis because I missed my bed. I also learned that my brother's roommate happened to steal all the blankets from their apartment so he could go sleep out, in the snow, for tickets to the System of a Down concert, and I would have nothing to sleep with there anyways.

So 12 hours after leaving the island I made it to my house, thanks to 3 coffee beverages, singing loudly to my RENT cd, and bopping to a radio station playing 80's music.

I thought I had met my quota for crazy encounters back in Newport, but I found out I was mistaken during my trip home. So in addition to our new friend Kim, "Lou," "Motel 6 worker who hates his life," "Guy who told Dani what Skeet means" and "Guy who asked Dani if she had a bisexual friend" I would like to include the following 2 characters.

1 - Cesear from N'Awlins. He was very chatty and informed that even though he is 28 and has a little boy he knows how to party. In fact he had been partying since Thursday while he visited friends in Providence and NYC this weekend. Apparently the party had not stopped as halfway through the flight he leaned over to tell me that his buddy convinced him to mix vodka with his Snapple. Then he shared his Ipod list, assuring me that I could listen to anything I wanted.

2 - Mustafa and the Starbucks workers in the Minneapolis Airport. It seemed English was not their first language when they asked if I wanted my Caramel Macchiato made upside down. All I got from their explanation is that they consider their beverages to be great pieces of artwork or that they are like that Dr. Pepper commercial with the guy with the long tongue. I have no idea what commercial they were describing but I was assured I would be "hooked up."

"You want delicious drink, yes? Den, we hook you up. No worry."